Thoughts-Life of a
--------------Suicide-----------------
Chapters of Thoughts
-Introduction&commonalties
---The ending of a Life
-Talking to someone
-Working out the issues
-Hindsight with suicide
-Depression,mental illness and ADHD
-Looking for a Missing person
-Conclusions so far
-Dancing with Death
Introduction-----
Goodnight Jason,Grandpa,Grandma,Grandpa,Grandma,Goodnight Kate, Barb,Rick,John,Dick,Glen,Goodnight ,Goodnight Dad. Goodnight to those that have passed on, in my life.This is how I end the day each night before going to bed.It is something that I do for myself to give appreciation to the people in my life now and in the past.Sometimes I just say the words,but they give me comfort in feeling the energy of the people of my past and how they are still in my life in some way,and more appreciation for the people here with me now. As time goes on the the list gets longer, with the reality coming closer,that death is just a part of life. Death is full of mystery and the unknown.It is based on beliefs,hopes and faith.Death means different things based on how you define it.This is my attempt to define it and understand it for myself.This is also my attempt to understand the impulses of suicide. These are my thoughts and the thoughts that can help create the groundwork of a suicide.Thoughts that bring about the life of a suicide,and what life entails for a person in a suicidal mindset. Thoughts create the story, so being able to step back from the story and see what story you are creating whether here or there,whether from the perceptions of the person observing a suicidal scenario or acting out the scenario of a suicide. Being able to step back and recognizing your more than your story,being able to stop the story when you need and want to,and change the story,so healing can take place. Recognizing your having the thoughts,but your more than your thoughts,the good and bad. Thoughts don't have to be taken to action,only looked at,and taken for what they are,passing into other thoughts.Not defining who you are and where you are to go. With depression that leads to suicidal thoughts you can become lost in your own thoughts,trying to define what one is perceiving and how it affects you and what you want.
This is also a story about the other core idea or question of what may happen if life didn't end at physical death. What would be the life of a suicide that continues even after one takes their own life. Everyone will eventually come face to face with death and what that may bring.
These are the commonalities or thoughts that I use to help understand the process of suicide and how life can be perceived by a person in suicidal ideation. There is really no box you can put suicide in to explain every situation,it's a combination of many different things,but this has been a good start to understand the "why". It is just not the thoughts but the story that is created. Thoughts are fueled by emotions,experiences and at times a mind and body that is out of balance or ill at times. Being able to stop and step back and see how your thoughts and stories are unfolding and recognize if is not where you want to be or is not working for you. Recognizing it is okay to ask for and accept help so you can accept what you are experiencing so you can change it, and get the support you need,whether it is only for that moment that is clouded with thoughts of suicide,that can change with storms of the wind. It is never too late. These are just some of the common themes that are generated. Beneath these core commonatilities are the events and stories of individual life's. It doesn't depict the full, sometimes daily struggles that a person can have.COMMONALITIES OF SUICIDE By Edwin Shneidman
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Understanding Suicide - Common Elements |
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No single explanation can account for all self-destructive behavior. Edwin Shneidman, a clinical psychologist who is a leading authority on suicide, described ten characteristics that are commonly associated with completed suicide. Schneidman's list includes features that occur most frequently and may help us understand many cases of suicide. 1. The common purpose of suicide is to seek a solution. Suicide is not a pointless or random act. To people who think about ending their own lives, suicide represents an answer to an otherwise insoluble problem or a way out of some unbearable dilemma. It is a choice that is somehow preferable to another set of dreaded circumstances, emotional distress, or disability, which the person fears more than death. Attraction to suicide as a potential solution may be increased by a family history of similar behavior. If someone else whom the person admired or cared for has committed suicide, then the person is more likely to do so. 2. The common goal of suicide is cessation of consciousness. 3. The common stimulus (or information input) in suicide is intolerable psychological pain. 4. The common stressor in suicide is frustrated psychological needs. 5. The common emotion in suicide is hopelessness-helplessness. 6. The common internal attitude in suicide is ambivalence. 7. The common cognitive state in suicide is constriction. 8. The common action in suicide is escape. 9. The common interpersonal act in suicide is communication of intention. 10. The common consistency in suicide is with life-long coping patterns. During crisis that precipitate suicidal thoughts, people generally employ the same response patterns that they have used throughout their lives. For example, people who have refused to ask for help in the past are likely to persist in that pattern, increasing their sense of isolation. SOURCE : Thomas F. Oltmanns, Robert E. EmeryUniversity of Virginia Home | About SOS | The Circle | Friends of Survivors Our Stories | SOS Memorials | Resource Links | Top |
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"One of the most harmful myths about suicide is the notion that people who really want to kill themselves don't talk about it." |
The Ending of a life-
I started writing these thoughts after my brother Jason committed suicide in October of 1999 and have from time to time written since then, when something in my life encourages me to. The death of my Dad, has been one of those encouragements to start writing again, even if sporadically. He passed away from lung cancer after a good battle with it in his final year of his earthly life. In many ways I wished I could of shared more of my thoughts with him in that final year,so that is why I continue to put them down on paper.I did get to spend time with Dad, during those final months and days, that I will always treasure but there will be always times I will miss his physical presence in my life. Even through he had many moments of struggling with physical discomforts and pains, he had a presence of peace about himself that he portrayed to myself and others often in those last days. He always seemed to have a fight in him, even toward the end. Not the kind of fight that you know your not going to die, but the kind of fight to die with dignity and peace about the ending of a life. Doing those little things he wanted to, not necessarily doing great exciting things with grand adventure, just taking the time to enjoy what he has and could do.Taking the time to enjoy the moments. Being able to spend time with family and friends, doing things he enjoyed, spending time on his boat ,spending time on the river and just being a part of life until those final moments until his body was transitioned from the physical to the spiritual.When he was first diagnosed it wasn't a major surprise, since he was a heavy smoker for several years. You see those warning labels all the time about smoking. Most smokers know of the risk but are willing to keep smoking or just aren't able to stop. My Dad kept smoking as close to the end at his life as he could, until his body couldn't tolerate it anymore. He was only able to stop because his body couldn't tolerate it and it didn't bring any pleasure,only pain and discomfort. So I really got to understand how strong the inclination to continue to smoke was for for him and for many. After being diagnosed,there was the awareness that life wouldn't be easy for him,or any of us regarding his illness.You knew the cancer was inside his body trying to gain a hold of him and take his life from him. That moment from the first cigarette he smoked to the time of being diagnosed was now only separated with a thought.
It soon had became a time to plan a course of action against the cancer. Something that would give him the best chance to beat it,if any, with some kind of quality of life while going through treatments. There was always some hope he could somehow beat it,but you knew it wasn't great. Lung cancer is a tough disease that takes what it wants and destroys. Dad decided to have chemo treatments about every 3 weeks,where he was pumped with various chemicals that would try to attack the cancer to possibly extend his life. Dad never complained much about the treatments, you usually never knew of most of the side effects and how it was effecting him until you were sitting with him in the doctor office and hearing what he needed help with,some type of adjustment to maybe help with the discomfort or side effects. There was always that cycle of getting tired and weak,maybe some side effect of rashes,loss of appetite,pain, breathing problems to adjust to,worry about getting a temperature or a cold or increase in symptoms, then regaining some of the strength back then starting the cycle again.There were some moments of things getting better, but toward the end of the treatments, the cancer adjusted to the treatments and again took what it wanted and began taking the path it wanted. So when all of the treatments were done, the plan of action was changed from healing to making things as comfortable as possible for him. That transition from trying to get rid of the cancer to just having to allow it to take over,was a gradual one with steps . Coming to the conclusion you couldn't do anything to stop it and just it let it take it's path until whatever the end might bring wasn't an easy one. You now just didn't know what would come next,but knew it could be unpleasant. When Dad first heard the news the cancer was still growing ,he knew it wasn't good,but he still was putting up a fight to make it the best he could. As he was told there was a feeling of silence and heaviness in the room.The nurses had left the chart on the table before the doctor had arrived to give the news,but me and Dad already knew it wasn't good. The chart was full of wordage that pointed to continued growth of the cancer and abnormalities of growth. You knew the road ahead would be getting harder with uncertainty what would come next. I knew he was trying to hold in the fear and what ever he was feeling at the time. I seen him talking on the cellphone coming home from the doctor visit in the car,telling someone how the doctor appointment went,his eyes started to water up and a few tears came, his mouth started to quiver slightly before being able to regain his composure and continue on .I didn't really know what to say to him except to be there. After hearing the news the cancer was still growing it wasn't long until it would completely take over. At the time you didn't know how long it would take, what to do,where should he live,or what he would need. He had been living alone in his own place,soon he wouldn't be able to take care of himself anymore on many levels.The uncertainty of how long the cancer would take to finish it's path,the cost of medical expenses and the cost of where to live if needed. Would he incur large debt,just trying to live out his last few days or months. Dad's biggest fear was that of dying from suffocation. That feeling where you just can't get any air,you are panicked and you can't get that last grasp of needed air into your lungs but you keep grasping for it.That was the biggest fear for everyone, just not wanting that to happen,or just the fear of having him suffer like that causing his death.He went through a few episodes of struggling to fight for air toward the end before they were able to get things medically stable at the hospital.You could see that fear in his eyes when he was going through an episode. I remember him taking my hand on one of episodes in the middle of the night at the hospital to help himself somehow make it through it. I held his hand and rubbed his back,hoping to give him some kind of comfort to relax and make it through until the medicine ,would kick in,or that is what you hoped for. It was hard to see him struggle through those episodes,and you really couldn't do that much. They would start to occur when he had to do any kind of movement that exerted a lot of energy for himself,such as just getting to the bathroom or having to stand up and move a short distance.You could tell he was no longer much able to or should move from his bed.During the attacks you just wanted it to be over as fast as possible,to get that medicine in as fast as possible and wait, hoping it would kick in quickly.
Dad made it about one year after he was diagnosed with lung cancer.He had moved in with my brother and his family for a few weeks toward the end,where he was closer to the hospital to get more medical treatments. It did become apparent soon he needed to be in the hospital.He was having breathing attacks and was growing weaker.He was needing more medical care than could be given at a home setting. Being in a hospital is like being in a world of it's own. You encounter people who are struggling with their bodies and you have to take notice and take gratitude for having your own health,knowing that it can be taken from you at anytime or at some point in growing old. The setting is now between walls, a setting that seems to function as it's own,away from the world that is happening outside. But being in the hospital and being able to leave are two different things.You also gain the gratitude of being able to walk out as you want,unlike having to be there with a sick body that holds you down. I was around when my grandparents passed away in a hospital setting but never really spent the time there,just short visits,so this was my first real experience of being there when death was knocking at the door ,waiting for the door to be creaked open.
Dad's body was gradually shutting down,he longer had any appetite and was growing weaker.His bowels had shut down and you were just wandering what the next system would be and how it would effect his comfort.Dad seemed to keep that hope that things would get better for him physically,which at times was hard to hear. Part of it was just the confusion that was building,the regimen of meds knocking you out,being disoriented between days and nights and the uncertainty of when to fight and when to give into the death process. Knowing your going to die and actually facing that moment are two different things.It's always kind of hard picturing yourself in a state of might not existing anymore,and what that means for yourself and your life.Rethinking all of the steps and memories of a life lived.Dad said he was okay with how his life had been and was ready to go when it was time,saying it is harder for you guys then on me,being there during those last moments.But he kept wanting to have tests ran to see if things could get working again or what could be done to get it fixed. We had always been in that mode and that is what we expected,to fix it,but now it couldn't be fixed.He did seem to eventually accept the fact that things would not get better,but I think it was because he got too tired and weak and just needed to rest.When the battle was about over he was transferred from the hospital to a hospice house,since the hospital doctors concluded they couldn't do anymore and they could do the same thing in a nicer setting.I think we were all kind of surprised of how comforting the hospice house and the hospice workers were.Not that hospital staff are not good,but hospice is such a great program and support service without a large charge of expenses that take what you have left. They know about the death process and the transition we all will experience and provide some dignity and comfort in that process.Dad made it through one night at the hospice house. That last day and night he didn't seem to be in that much discomfort,just weak and tired. His alertness was minimal and his breathing at times would become loud,irregular and you could see the uncertainty from the faces of others,who had been in his life now and as he was growing up. A life would soon be ending,but at the time we didn't know when.He was in the final stage of being here and his focus wasn't here in the physical as much but getting ready to transition to another place,at least that what was said in the hospice brochure literature on the process of how death occurs .He passed away in his sleep ,in peace ,during the night.I got woken up by the hospice nurse in the middle of night ,with a gentle tap on my shoulder,while I was laying on the couch across from him in the room.I think I'll always remember the feel of that tap and quiet gentle voice of the nurse letting me know it was complete. I think it gave me a picture that there is some grace and peace at the end of a life even with physical struggles and fears of death.There was some sense of peace and respect intertwined with the nervousness of being at the end of a life. The scattered thoughts of being unsettled with the finality of it all. The hospice house was a place of peace and respect for families and loved ones,the way Dad and family wanted it to be.To show us it is okay to die with dignity and respect,even when the body is no longer able to function as we would want. I think it is important not only the way we live that counts but the way we die. The way we encounter those last moments. I know it was important to Dad. Death on many accounts takes away many things,but it doesn't take it all.
My brothers ending of his life was a different kind of ending,one that I hope also will eventually end in peace and grace. Dad once said dying wasn't hard,but living could be hard.Now he was with with Jason and others who have passed on.Life would continue,whether here or there or that is what I know Dad would wish.
My brother Jason died from suicide on October 22,1999. Jason was sixteen years old at the time of this death,the same age I was at the time he came into my world.Remembering the day he was born is intertwined with the sense of loss of the way his life ended.The moment of birth instilled in my mind and heart with the image of myself being in the high school gym shooting baskets with a school secretary coming in and telling me he had been born.I remember sitting down on the bleachers,but after that I don't remember much more about it,just those brief moments when I was first told, feeling proud and looking forward to having a little brother which is intermixed with the moment I heard he had passed.
Those brief sixteen years in between seem way too brief with only moments that I don't want to fade away with time and memory,only because it might feel too much like he never existed. At times it feels so much like a different time and a different world when he was here. I guess that is like any death,time moves on,people and situations come and go and life moves on.My daughter has some brief memories of Jason,but mostly just the pictures of him. It took me few years after his death to let her know how he had died. From time to time she would ask about him and his death ,and I never got to the suicide. I guess I just wanted her to have good memories of him,somehow protecting her from that reality.I eventually ended up telling her when she was about eight or nine,when we went to the cemetery to drop off some balloons at his graveside to acknowledge a birthday gone by.She seemed to on some level to understand the sadness involved,looking into my eyes whenever she heard Jason's name. She knows Jason was my brother and her family and those brief memories that probably have faded now.As time passes it does seem like you lose a little part of them every year that passes. I miss those everyday conversations where you would be able to talk about him or what he was doing. They can't be seen, only felt and remembered in our hearts and inside of our souls. It's up to us to do that and how we do that. Now he is a faded memory,but still a strong influence of who I am and want to be.At times I've felt like I've learned from his loss, but have at times needed to take the time to stop and remember about those last moments of his life.
Suicide is a word that I don't think I'll ever get comfortable saying or talking about but it's word that I want to try to understand and feel what it is about.The journey for me has been about life,not death.It is about my journey,my brothers' journey and those along the way that are affected by suicide.It's about my healing and my hope of giving a voice for those who've lives seem to be ended short.
Really the first moment when I truly felt what it was like to feel what it was like to be experiencing the full array of emotions involved in the end of someones life was sitting at the funeral home making arrangements for Jason's funeral.At other funerals I felt part of the feelings but could hold them a length away and not fully experience them altogether,but with Jason's death I couldn't because they washed over me and was I forced to feel it.I made attempts to hold in the pain but it was too painful physically to do it.As I was sitting around with the family the first few days before the funeral, details about his death and that final day would slowly come to awareness and each new detail was like a new wave of pain that would come inside of me and couldn't be stopped,feeling like a piercing of a knife in the middle of my chest.If I made attempts not to cry, it would just hurt. I couldn't stop those waves of pain,only endure them.As time went by those waves decreased,but it's something that stays with me,something I've never felt before that, and never want to forget the depth of those moments.Those moments of pain,brought pain but it also brought me to more understanding and compassion for those in pain.
I wasn't really wanting to be involved in making the decisions and the arrangements of the funeral,mostly just taking it in and observing and thinking this shouldn't of been happening.It just didn't seem natural for him to die so young and the way he did. Dad was going through his own issues of feeling guilty or a feeling he had let Jason down in some way.My Mom was probably more like me, a little more introverted and dealing with the issues on her own terms and away from the noise of the day.Anyway the details of the final days got taken care of and life slowly moved on. Those little details of how you wanted Jason's life to be represented of who he was were magnified.What to put in the obituary,what to have him wear,would he look like he did in life? Could you tell he had shot himself in the temple of the side of his head?Going through the room with a combination of different coffins,trying to pick out one that would somehow represent Jason.My Dad getting weak and going to one knee and getting help up looking at the coffins.My Mom looking at Jason one last time in the casket before the funeral whispering that he was just sleeping. Those strange brief moments that stand in time and memory.You never really think about all of those little details about a person that makes them unique and who they are or you take them for granted. Years after Jason's death,there are times I still just want to watch and stare at my daughter who is growing so fast,trying to catch all of the little details about her and her life. Of course,she does not like me staring at her and watching her and will let me know.She doesn't know the storyline about it.Some of that is just trying to take time to appreciate her and some of it is fear,with that feeling any day could be that last day but also taking in knowing that she is growing and changing and wanting to hold unto her at that moment. The way they smile,the way they wear their hair, the clothes they wear on a regular basis,seeing a piece of paper with their writing on it that is uniquely theirs,the things they like to do or have made that will stand in time and represent a stoppage of time for those who've passed on.Thinking of those missed future moments of a shortened life for Jason.It is said when you lose a parent you lose some of the past and when you lose a child you lose the future.
We picked out a Kenny Rogers song about a young boy being a baseball pitcher that fit a part of Jason's life in playing baseball for a funeral song.When you thought of Jason,you thought of baseball.I missed a lot of being around when he was growing up,but remember when he had first started playing baseball.At first he had backed out from signing up,anxious whether he could do it or not, then one year he did sign up and started pitching for the teams he played on. It's kind of all mixed up in my head the memories of those days.I just remember it was a joy to watch him play,he was one of the better pitchers on each team each year he played. He would get into situations where he needed just that one more out or strike, and more than often he would get it.He seemed to be able to handle the pressure and just do what was needed to get out of trouble and win the game. I know Jason never got to really feel the joy he brought to us watching him play baseball through the years.I suppose as a kid you don't understand that or feel it, but as I get to see my daughter play sports it brings me back to those days of being able to watch a child play sports and the enjoyment that brings,if only a break from the grind of daily work. So that Kenny Roger's song in a way was a tribute to the appreciation of not only who he was but those times watching him play and what that brought.
A friend of my Dad's was called to do the ceremony at the funeral and the pieces were coming together for the end of a life. Running to the store,where Jason had been working to arrange for flowers for the funeral,going out to look for an ear ring to put in his ear since he had one in life,recognizing that's what is important to do for him,but mostly ourselves. Wanting the funeral and the ending of his life to represent who he was and what he had meant to us. Dealing with the questions and seeking answers of what had happened to want him to take his own life was a gradual process.Knowing that the answers may never come but wanting to know some of them. Part of me had some distant angry feelings toward the funeral director,thinking he does this kind of thing on a regular daily basis,was this just another job for him and money gained from a death,but at the same time feeling respect and admiration for the role he does. What would it be like to being dealing with death and families on a daily basis? Does death just become routine.
I wasn't really sure what I would feel seeing him laying in the coffin motionless and lifeless and expressionless.I still don't really know what I feel about,but I felt how the reality that physical life does end and will end and could happen at any age.After a few days going through the visitation and the actual funeral seeing him laying there,it did give some eerie comfort being able to see that physical connection to him,but toward the end it brought about the knowing that his body would be soon gone. He would be buried beneath the ground and time would move on.That process of trying to seek answers of what happened was intertwined with seeking closure with the funeral.
The day of his death had started out just like any other day. That's the thing with bad things happening on any given day. Things seem normal and then there's that sudden change you aren't expecting or would want to happen.That sudden change feeling that stays with you for awhile,maybe forever in some form your not even aware of,combined with that gained knowing that you should appreciate each and every day and the people in your life,but sometimes you don't show it,or the feeling they didn't know how you had felt about them.With suicide it's that sadness of seeing someones life ending because they didn't or couldn't feel the goodness of themselves or life.
The last time I seen Jason was when he was at his after school job at the local Hy-Vee grocery store. He was sacking groceries and I was paying for my items in another lane about twenty feet away. Standing there watching him work briefly while in the line and thinking of how proud I was of him,with a little grin on my face. He seemed to be so grown up,having his first job,wearing a nice white shirt and tie on, and looking handsome. He had seen me but he quickly looked down and didn't make an acknowledgment of me at the time, appearing a little embarrassed about himself while I was there. He didn't feel those feelings of being proud of what he was doing or who he was.The day of his death had started for me before I ever knew what was going on. I was at his work that early afternoon at Hy-vee in the parking lot getting ready to leave when I seen my Mom heading into the store,she seemed in a hurry and a little distraught but I didn't have time to catch her and didn't really think much of it.Later that night I would connect it together with the happenings of the last day.By the time the news hit me it was early evening.It's never good when a policeman comes to you asking you to call family. Not knowing what to expect,hearing the sense of loss in my father's voice as he told me.The answers you wanted to know that wouldn't come. Along came a sense of shock,with trying to catch up with what you have just heard.
After his death, I would catch myself at times in the same line and same place looking over to where Jason had been working where I had seen him last. It wasn't Jason there anymore,just some other person busy doing the job as if nothing had happened with short glimpses of memory of him being there and those feelings of the time before faded into the past. That sense of the last moments of someones life carries over at times with other people. It's something that will happen again you just don't know when.
With suicide it is about seeking answers about that last day,about those last moments and thoughts and feelings.Those last moments don't have to define a person's life but they do more than any other kind of death.Being able to get past that defining moment has been a part of the healing process for me.The first questions that arose were trying to find out
what had happened that day,why was it that day,what events had taken place to cause him to complete the suicide. That evening, and the following few days before the funeral the family gathered at my Mom's house questioning the events and themselves.We were trying to process the events of the day and previous days leading up to the suicide. That was the first time I heard of there was a previous attempt of him having suicidal feelings and actions. It kind of surprised me hearing that,a little angry that I wasn't told or knew of it. I don't know if it would of made of any difference or if I would of taken it different,like any suicide it seems to happen so fast at the end,you think you have time. I had my own family at the time and wasn't around or involved since of the age difference and out of the house.I found out at that time Jason had a previous attempt of wanting to cut his wrist and not feeling life was worth living.I don't know really know a lot of details but an image inside of my head of what it might of looked and felt like.The events of the last day were pieced together as best as they could of over time after the funeral.When it came to piecing things together,it's hard to tell what is true and what is partially true,things get a little off as the different stories come out.Rumors become different than facts, because they are lined with emotions and different perceptions. It was a school day and Jason made attempts to have someone take the day off with him,stopping by a girls house,asking her to take the day off but she couldn't. He apparently might of tried with some other friends also to take the day off with him,but wasn't able to find anyone. It wasn't clear how far he made it to the school,some stories came about that he made to the school but didn't make it in,other stories are that he had made it to the school that day but got in a argument with the vice-principal and got expelled and left.Whatever the story, Jason had started drinking alcohol and his inhibitions less intact. He had started out driving a car of my Moms but it got a flat tire. He had tried to change it but wasn't able to get the job done. He apparently had driven it for a while because there wasn't much of a tire left when he dropped it off at my Mom's house.He left the car after not getting the tire changed and got a spare car of my Dads. My moms car was left with images of the last moments that gave me eerie feelings looking at. The whole searching or trying to find physical clues to a death in itself is spooking and depressing.It's like looking at death itself.What I found in the car were some of the clues of the events of the day. I found his license on the floor,scattered with bullets and alcohol in the front seats of the car.I took his license and kept it for myself at the time. He had just briefly had gotten and I wanted something recent and something that nobody had. Something physical to be able to hold unto him a little longer. When we were looking for some kind of note to explain why he did, we found a piece of paper in the trunk with some ramblings of feeling like he couldn't do anything right and angry feelings,most of it couldn't been made sense of. We ended up just throwing it away and kept it away from our parents. It wasn't really a suicide note but some clues of what he might of been feeling at some point.It was just a sad feeling combined with a loss of life ended in anger and sadness in the last moments,not how I wanted Jason remembered.
That last day was fueled with alcohol,anger and frustrations of the flat tire,feeling alone, and just wanting to end it all. Things just kept building up and it probably felt at that time life would always be like that. Jason had taken off in my Dad's spare car,he had gotten a gun and found bullets and was drinking and feeling like life wasn't worth living anymore. He was found several miles out in the country roads by a stranger,where he had shot himself. I've never really wanted to think about those last seconds of him pulling the trigger and what that must of felt like.Going to place of where it had ended with my Dad was a little eerie and sad,but I felt I had needed to see the spot. I don't really feel any need to go back there but maybe someday. I don't think anyone keeps it up,or even if it is there anymore since Dad has passed. It has one of those crosses in the ditch that you sometimes see along the highways where someone has passed.Those crosses along the highway reminds me of Jason and the sense of loss and grief it must bring to those who keep those crosses and flowers alive along the places of the barren ditches.
As we were trying to piece the events together,we had to try to find out how school had effected the last days of Jason's life.It was just part of the those questions that remained after Jason's death. There were rumors of him being expelled and not getting along with the school leaders. A few months before the the event Jason and my parents were having some disagreements with the school.One day Jason didn't want to attend school because he had decorated his face for a school event,showing school spirit for an homecoming event,but it was raining that day and the make-up got messed up and he couldn't get it off, He was supposed to put some cream or something under it so it would come off easy. Well anyway he didn't want to go to school with his face paint all messed up and not being able to get it off,so my parents didn't make him go and they called him in to take the day off. The school found out he wasn't sick so they counted it as skipping and gave him truancy with detentions to be attended. My parents had a meeting to discuss the situation with the principal to no avail. I remember my Dad saying he came out feeling small,which affected greatly the frustrations that would follow afterward. The school never did know why Jason didn't show up that day,they just knew he skipped and made the determination of the penalty over my parents decision of letting him take the day off. Jason during the time was feeling like what's the point and wasn't showing up for the detentions and the school hadn't let my parents know that.The day that Jason skipped school for the last time,the school didn't notify my parents at work as directed,but left a message at home stating Jason didn't show up. They got the message when they got home,way afterward the event had occurred.That was coupled with feeling or thought that maybe something could of been done to stop it. After the funeral we met with the school to sort out the rumors that had been floating around those final days.He hadn't been expelled or had contact with the principals that day,but my Dad still felt dissatisfied with the way the school had handled things over the previous months, and the feelings he had within himself that he had let Jason down in someway with the school situation. He went through the process of suing the school for not notifying them at work. It wasn't the main issue,just one of the issues that could be looked at legally. Eventually it was dropped but it was the process that my Dad wanted and needed to go through.
Those days after the funeral were lined with those last days and moments of Jason's life.People who didn't know Jason had died,asking or calling for him.Letting a pen pal from a school project know about his death when a letter came for him.Those little transition details that come about that you have to deal with. Trying to sort it all out and how it came out and dealing with moving on and healing.
Sometimes when life becomes routine and I get in autopilot about the routine of life, it's good to think about some of these times to reflect on what the people in my life mean to me and the reality of having a last day for all of us, and what that day may bring. Somehow the spirit and the memory of those who've passed help me understand that we don't have to be special,just ourselves,because that is what we miss the most and appreciate.
Talking to someone
After Jason's death I knew I wanted to try to keep a connection with him,even it was considered unconventional. I wanted to know that I was still his brother and could be there for him and learn from him and his situation,even through he was no longer here. I knew I wanted to do it soon and knew on some level life had to be more than what we can see with physical eyes. I can't see allot of things with my eyes or physical senses,does that mean it doesn't exist. So two weeks after his death I listened through a distant telephone call of someone who I had never met or known of before those moments.A person who who is called a medium,those who say they can contact the energy of the "dead". It gave me an opportunity to talk to someone in detail about those last days and moments of Jason's life and Jason's life in general. That in itself was healing and I was grateful for the opportunity.I was was able to talk about Jason and the way he had died and what he may of been feeling before he had died.It was like being able to be there with Jason,talking and listening to him just like he was in the room.Whether he was or not there didn't matter because somehow his energy was there,and it felt like it to me.That's something that couldn't be taken away from me whether you believed in it or not. The energy had an impact on me and my feelings regarding the situation and Jason.It was healing for me to be a part of it.My intention was to be his brother. I wanted to know if I could help him in some way and know if he would be okay.To understand,to be there in those moments,to heal and learn for myself. To me he was still my brother,I still wanted to feel a connection to him, and my version of what God is, wouldn't take that away from me or my brother.
I had nervous energy before making that first phone call,I paced back and forth waiting for the clock to tick down to the moment it was suppose to begin.I didn't really know what to expect and was hoping I wouldn't be disappointed in the process.Time finally came to the moment of making contact, and story would began.I went down to the basement trying to find a quiet place for privacy, but mainly just a place where my girlfriend at the time wouldn't know I was trying to contact my dead brother. I lived near railroad tracks at the time and trains kept coming through the area,and the reader could hear the train each time,which kind of relaxed the situation because it was kind of funny,getting interrupted by the sounds of whistle each time. It started out slow and uneven,to the point where the person felt there wasn't going to be a connection and was going to have to stop and try another time.That is when things started to speed up some.That's when it first made it real for me,it was just like Jason if he would of been there.He still had the personality,the feelings and emotions that Jason would of had.At first I knew he wouldn't of wanted to talk to me if he was "alive" Why wouldn't that be the case,wouldn't he have to start at where he was, just like I had to start out with at that moment in time. He still had feelings and emotions of being angry,frustrated and confused.He talked about some angry feelings toward my Dad,some feelings of how Mom had been trying to get into his space,or always commenting they didn't have money for this or that.He wasn't trying to blame anyone for his actions but thoughts in his mind were scattered and he had to place himself back into those last moments of time and try to put the pieces together and felt a need try to defend what had happened.It was described like trying to put together shattered glass.Things were fragmented in his mind still.
He still had some of his humor,commenting or asking me why I was hiding,the medium described my position in the basement in which I was more or less in a hiding position because I didn't want to be disturbed during the reading or found out I was trying to talk to the dead.It was put in a humorous way with my brothers' personality.I knew then my brother was okay but he was dealing with the emotions and had to deal with the thoughts of his physical death.He said it was just like school,he didn't like to go to school,he would rather be out playing,but had to be in a place like school or where he had to look at his life.He had work to do. He said your mad at me,but I felt like that all of my life. He wasn't really angry all of his life but those were the emotions that were running at the time from him.He had a hard time wanting to connect to me because as he phrased it ,I don't want you to think of me as a loser.Those words hit me in the heart,because that would of been what Jason would of said and I could feel that.It wasn't something I was thinking but I knew it would of been something Jason would of been thinking.Jason brought up how he had looked up to me as kind of a father figure. I was quite a bit older of him and he had looked up to me as an older brother or fatherly figure. That is something that I knew on some level but didn't really think about much or Jason and I didn't talk about until these moments.It was like being able to talk about issues that mattered even through he wasn't here anymore,at least in the physical.These are some of the moments that I would of liked of been able to talk to Jason. To connect more to him and know what Jason had been feeling and thinking.I had felt that connection but never was able to really discuss things with him.Those quick brief moments of talking on the phone with a stranger that never truly knew the impact of the words spoken.I asked the reader how I could let him know I hadn't or didn't think of him as a loser and she said you just did,he can hear and feel you.I could just feel his presence in the room within that moment and the impact of being able to say those words and a knowing that he had heard me is a feeling that stays with me.I wish in life I was able to have more of these talks with him.He mentioned he had always felt a good connection with me,where you just look at each and know what the other was thinking without having to talk,just that glance of the eyes or catching the humor in something alike that maybe others didn't get.
But I didn't get to be around him like same age siblings, I was sixteen years older than him and already out of the house when he was growing up. That was the other major theme that had came through. He had felt like he had been a mistake and should of never been born. My parents got divorced briefly after he was born.He came fifteen years after the last kid was born in the family.He gave an image of himself sitting on a couch with everyone else already moved out and he was left there alone.He had feelings of feeling different than the rest of his brothers and sister.Those thoughts during his life never really occurred to me or as far as I knew never got discussed.I never seen him as different or an outcast from the family. It was different for him,the things he was going through it at the same time as he or my other near same age brother did. He didn't see his other brothers or sister go through the same things,so he felt he was different or thinking we didn't have the struggles like he did,he mostly just seen us as adults. I didn't really know what was going on in his life because I was out of the house with my own family during the time.About the only time I got to talk to him was those brief times before or after a baseball game or those brief times I would see him around town walking with his friends.
We discussed things that he had liked or did bring him joy in life.Not everything could of been bad.He brought up having the sense of pride of being an uncle.He stated he had felt a connection to kids and playing with them.
He felt a connection to his nephew and niece's,because they made him feel he didn't have to be anyone but himself.I mainly have images in my head of him laying on the floor with a group of nephews and nieces laying on him,wrestling and playing around. He had enjoyed spending time with them when they were all around for the holidays or some get together.But he felt he would never have kids of his own,it just seemed to far away to touch. He was going through adolescence frustration,trying to figure out what he wanted to do with his life,but it seemed to overpower him or he over magnified his problems and it brought him way down.Baseball was asked about,because that was something he was fairly good at,and recently had attended the state baseball tournament and had gotten a medal,something my Dad still has.He said baseball was an outlet but not something that could sustain him.He then brought up some regarding the computer he had just recently got,it was his first computer and was just starting to get to know how to use. After he died it went to a cousin because my Mom wasn't much into using computers.He brought up art,pointing out directions of where his art work was placed in my Moms house in which he did.After myself hearing that I started putting more of my daughter artwork she had done in school,getting them framed and put up like a regular picture,like it was at my Moms house.It sort of gave me another connection to my brother and just the feeling of more appreciation for my daughter and her creativity.We then discussed some regarding his friends and buddies.He said he hanged out a lot,talked briefly about the things he had did,going to the mall,but felt bored a lot,like he was waiting around for something to happen. He stated he hanged around with them but didn't really talk about things.He talked about girl he had liked and was still watching over.He talked about not liking the way he had looked. He had always been a little heavy,but recently had lost weight and had the girls starting to like him.I remember a co-workers daughter one day talking about him and being attracted to him. He did seem to have many friends,younger than him,older than him,boys and girls alike.So it was not a matter of not being liked.During the holidays one of his former friends stopped by Mom's house and brought their new baby to the house,they named the baby Jason after him.His friends still stop by my parents house from time to time to visit.My Dad was like a second Dad to some of his friends. Jason brought up people and things he had done,that I wasn't aware of.That was exactly the way it was.Something I didn't really think about before the discussion but after his death during the phone call.
He had overtime gained a I don't care reckless attitude on the outside,but on the inside he felt too much.The reading kind of ended in a solemn way,he was okay,he stated he wasn't being judged or his death looked at as a sin,but he had to deal with his decision and try to heal from it.Briefly it was brought up that something physically was wrong with him that contributed to his choice,but it didn't get revealed until later sessions asking about it. Interesting parts of readings were that when doing them with the same reader, the reader I worked with at first didn't retain most of the reading the next time,so at least at first it was kind of like starting over and she would start to remember some of the feelings and images.I worked with three different main readers.With all of them it didn't take long to pick out how he had died. I didn't give any clues or discuss how he died,but they brought it up without clues.There was a continual of the story even with different readers,same exact statements were made at times.One reading talked about a baby in the family being born in the future, and I discussed or said I hoped it wasn't mine laughing. In another reading with another reader that topic came up and those exact words with the humor came up without myself saying anything,it was just a point of reference so there would be some knowing of connection.There was just a connection of being able to describe different physical settings such as houses and arrangements even through Jason hadn't been there in life in some settings.There were connection of events or happenings in my current life that were described, a planting of a tree in his memory. My Mom going to garage sales and getting me a chair and commenting how it was falling apart,putting humor in it,saying what a bargain.Going to garage sales is a thing with my Mom so it would be something to comment on that is significant.Just events that I only would connect to or think significant.They may not mean anything to someone else but they do to me.The readings were filled with that for me,those little details that connected me to a knowing that there has to be some energy or connection that this person is able to pick up without myself saying anything.
As time passed and the readings continued,Jason became less defensive and seemed to enjoy the time as much as I was.He over time became less hard on himself.Part of his healing process was to regain that feeling of connection to others.In life he had only his perception of himself,now he was able to see and feel what others had felt and thought.He was able to see himself through different perceptions. Part of his time was spending time being around those he had been known in life,friends and family and again feeling connected to them and life. He discussed part of that physical problem discussed earlier was having an imbalance like having ADHD.It wasn't just about him being selfish or immature,he was having a physical problem that contributed that was making him more compulsive and angry,not sleeping,just not being able to slow down his thoughts and step back and see what was happening. He had been feeling depressed for awhile,but even toward the end he didn't think it was as bad as it was.He talked about alcohol contributing at the end,just lessening the inhibitions,alcohol giving him less control and acting more on it,something he probably wouldn't of done with alcohol even through it had been on the back burner.He discussed some family past history of just not talking about things that was past from generation to generation.The thought or feeling you should just be quiet and move on.That was geared mainly toward my Mom's side and dealing with a alcoholic parent. He was an alcoholic that got angry when he drank and eventually died from alcoholism.I never really seen him drunk,but remember others talking about how he shouldn't be drinking but he had continued drink until his death.
I later discussed some of these issues with my Mom. Jason wasn't diagnosed with ADHD growing up but after looking up the signs and going over them,it seemed pretty likely he had some form of it,showing a lot of signs and behaviors of it.My Mom talked to a cousin that has it, and he talked to her about some of his experiences in dealing with it. He had a doctor appointment the day he died.I don't know if they would of diagnosed it or not,but it never happened. She was also able to confirm feelings and the way it was like growing up with an alcoholic parent.
During one of the readings he stated I still had some anger toward him in the way he died, not being able to stick it out and live.I didn't really think I did at the time but probably did to some extend. He told me to go to the place where I liked to go,the place I go to get away to relax and think,to go there and he would be there. He described the place, a wooded area along the park paths. That was the place where I liked to walk and think.I knew instantly where to go. He wanted me to work out the anger and to know he would there. I went there after a few days and took the walk and just accepted his presence he was there with me and thought about anger and way he had died.A short time later it did help me. I had been working with this individual who was always feeling suicidal.Everybody was just getting tired of it and didn't really know what to do.She had a long history of that,mostly it just appeared because of wanting attention. She hasn't ever acted on it,mainly just appearing to want attention or others to feel sorry for him.People were just getting angry with her and wanting her to stop. That's when I remembered having to deal with anger with my brother.I realized I couldn't judge whether this person had the right to feel suicidal or not. She was having those feelings and I needed just stop judging what she should be feeling and listen to where she was and why,putting myself in her place, coming from a non judgmental place.
I think with anyone you need to listened to them in that state,not judging whether they have the right to feel that way or not.There are times on my job working with individuals who are depressed,who feel suicidal,where I come back to that anger and judgment.Just being able to listen to them and trying to understand where they are coming from without judgment intertwined with the knowing of the pain a suicide causes to others.
The last reading wasn't as much about Jason,but other family members coming through,some I haven't really thought about over the years,such as a cousin's husband,I didn't really get to know him but he was there in that circle of family that seemed to surround Jason during the readings.An uncle came through that was significant for me.It was a good feeling he was surrounded by family and the feeling was he would be okay. The other main person that I had wanted to connect to was my grandfather Cliff,he was able to come through the readings at times also,mainly just talking about taking Jason fishing.That was a significant remark because that was the strongest image I have of him.I spent allot of my time with him fishing on the river, and have many fond memories of those times. I don't think Jason ever met him in life,passing over before he had been born.Just knowing Grandpa was there,made me feel good. I always liked his energy and personality.As kids he would get sat down in his recliner and he would give us money for combing his hair while he fell asleep.I still have images of that small black comb and his thin gray hair that didn't really need combed,but it was something we always did and looked forward in doing so we could run to the store. We would take the money and run down to the old country store and get whatever,usually candy or baseball cards.Going to the store seemed so more exciting as a kid,you were able to pick out anything you wanted,of course with a limited amount,but as kid it is exciting.
He continued to "feel" lighter and was planning on helping other kids on that side and eventually stating he had plans to help kids on this side. Just being able to do the readings and be a part of his healing process,as well as mine was comforting and rewarding in doing the readings.Even through I couldn't see him I continued to feel a connection that was beneficial to what seemed to both parties,living and the dead.Jason commented or used humor to say now he was now my bigger brother.I asked him what he would want to say to my parents if he could,he said to my Dad he wanted to be able to talk to him,to say he had his own life,his own choices,it wasn't about him,not what he did or didn't do.To my Mom he said he wanted to put his arm around her and give her a warm feeling of love,didn't want her to be attached to objects or the past that related to him,he was here in the present with her.He wanted others to know he was okay and he was sorry.
I think you do get to see a little more of the bigger picture of life when we pass.At the end it was stated it was just his time. He came here for what he needed and left.He had experienced what he had wanted.I don't know if it could of been different or not,I probably never got to see an even bigger picture of it all.It was a good feeling although knowing he was not only doing well but being able to help others. This is the story that had unfolded in front of me over the telephone,whether it was guided by a stranger or just my own thoughts or desires it had became healing. For some talking to the dead is not healing or just strange. Death is a closed veil of endings.One dilemma had been was how to reach out to the people who he couldn't. The better solution would of been to work out these issues while he was alive. I guess you could say the healing journey is of a personal nature,what one person needs or wants another person doesn't need or want. Some people are in a place where they need a definite line between the living and the dead, and with some maybe the line isn't so defined.Things work out as a thing need to.
Working out the issues
Suicide is a kind of of solution that can leave others confused,angry,grieving and never giving a chance to see what life could of been.It also creates a boundary between the answers and the questions bounded by the boundaries of life and death.It's really more than finding answers it's having that lack of being able to work out issues or feelings with the people involved. It can leave everything in a holding pattern,where things remain the way they ended or just retaining memories of what was or could of been. This is the area that probably has had the biggest impact on me,especially as a parent myself.That possibility or knowing that someone young has died,it somehow just seems unnatural to how things should work.I find myself dealing with my own inadequacies on raising my daughter trying to separate my issues from my daughter issues she has to go through. At times I feel myself connected to memories of Jason in pain ending his life and seeing my daughter in pain,whether it's from anger,frustrations or just the steps of growing into adulthood. Not wanting those memories of ending a life in sorrow and frustration to repeat itself. Even though that may be the extreme result it is part of reality of life,after seeing it happen.So part of working out the issues is for the survivors of being impacted by it.
The other aspect is the feeling of frustration of not being able to make the bridge between the living and the "dead" for others.Working out the issues with the person who has committed suicide is voided.Those times during the telephone readings,there were times where words,images in my head and heart connected just like he was in the room.Whether it was just in my imagination or wanting to hear what I wanted to hear,it doesn't really matter,because it was just as much reality to me as if he would of been there physically.It had an impact on me whether he was there or not.Those connections that were made were exactly what I needed to hear or feel,because they at times were connections only Jason and I had.Those personal connections that I couldn't totally connect to be real for another person or feel the impact that it had on me.Part of my healing process was in a form of prayer I suppose.I spent some time just thinking about the good feelings I had about Jason.Those times I had spend with him and enjoyed his company.I thought of the day we went to my Grandma's house and helped her dig up potatoes in her garden and putting them in storage.Jason wasn't very big at the time,but he wanted to come and help and be with me as I did him. It was a hot,dry summer day doing something that wasn't much fun,even so we enjoyed being together and he liked being around his big brother,and I got a chance to be with my little brother who looked up to me and didn't have to compete with,at least from my angle as a big brother.I just thought of those moments we had spent together and what I would of wanted him to know if I would of had the chance.That was the basic feeling I had toward him,it was somewhat fascinating and enjoyable to be able to see him grow up intertwined with some feelings of loss of not being able to be around or connected to him as I would of liked because of the age difference and not being around. I wasn't really aware of the turmoil that was going on the inside of him and his life until after his death.It was as if he had received those feelings and emotions and was able to see himself through my eyes.That is something that in life sometimes we don't get to really know or feel because words can't quite describe it as you would want to or not just having the opportunity to have those moments.There were many moments in the readings that just hit right on with with times when you weren't quite sure where it was going,often leading to something but not always.I didn't always hear what I wanted but what I needed at the time.Having events discussed,with the feelings and a knowing Jason knew what was going on in our life's,not just the external happenings but internal feelings and emotions.If it wasn't Jason it was some energy or way of being where things were connected together where we are not alone in the universe in our trials and tribulations.You couldn't hide behind a shield or face in this world of thoughts. I think that is a part of heaven or the other side. You are more aware and conscious of how others feel and why things happen and act.There isn't as much of judgment and putting people in labels and judging people as less or more. I did readings two weeks after Jason's death, and then about two months and six months,with a follow up in about two years.I did it over a time period because I wanted to see the progression of things over time,which I was able to experience.I also did it with other people in order to see if there were connections,and there were.The stories connected and the story continued not dependent who I was talking to during the readings. I was able to work through some of my issues and at the same time felt I was able to help Jason work through some of his issues. I was able to feel like that was validated during the process.Knowing my thoughts,prayers and actions did have an impact on the "invisible". You probably can't really get the experience unless your open to it.
A common experience with individuals with who have suicidal tendencies can be a sense of invisibility. A sense of not being heard or seen,or not worthy of being seen or heard or alive.It's a perspective where you feel others don't understand you,or maybe you just understand yourself.A feeling like your going through something alone,a sense of isolation. A thought or perspective of others not going through it before and not feeling validated for your thoughts and emotions and feelings.There may be an impulse toward doing something to make an impact on others,whether it's some kind of acting out behavior or suicidal gestures to gain some kind of acknowledgment of validation.
Those connections of doing the readings is something I wish I could of given to others,especially those close to him but I wasn't able to.Talking to the dead may at first seem unnatural until you actually do it. The past is just a part of who we are now and who we become.It's a personal choice based on beliefs and what the person wants and needs for themselves.The readings always came to back to trying to connect to the living in some way,especially my Mom.There was no special messages in the readings except what being alive is about. Jason didn't become void of feelings or emotions. He didn't lose that sense of connection to others or become instantly wise and happy.He continued on his journey of healing and was trying to piece it all together just as we were.As time has passed, all of issues didn't or couldn't be worked out but life was movng on and the reality that each of us is responsible for our life's prevailed,whether here or there.Forgiveness,understanding and peace can also prevail,along the intersections of life. The messages were always try to connect to others,letting them know he was okay,he was sorry, and wanting to be there for them in their sorrow. That was in turn a frustrating part of connecting to the afterlife images and communications regarding Jason. I suppose their has been more awareness or acceptance of the concept ,or it has became more entertaining then just scary and weird. From my world,it is fairly acceptable to feel or think that there is something more beyond this world but not use of meduims. The connection is more one way,us connecting with them in our own way with faith through God..
Overall I think the hope and dream in regard to connecting to the Dead is to be able to have the opportunity to be reunited when it is time.To give Jason a big hug and see his smile again. I was able to discuss some of those big issues that did feel good talking about.The issues were real issues that I would of wanted to talk about the Jason's life and death.The other part of the story was trying to portray that life continues.I wanted somehow have others be able to work out some of their issues or their grieving in the here and now and not have to wait until they have passed also.To have a connection to the "dead" you can better recognize what are the things that are important or how others are important to you.
There are different paths to healing after someone dies,sometimes the path is not a straight path or a your path may not be healing to another person.Part of what I used for my healing process was my belief and hope that life wouldn't end at physical death. We remain with the personal connection that is felt but not seen.It revolves around those private thoughts and feelings of connection.After Jason's death I wanted to delve into that separation that death brings upon us. This is a story of what might happen if life didn't end at the moment of death.This is a story of a life ending in suicide and it's after affects if life didn't end.
With suicide the wish is that you won't have to deal with any feelings or emotions.To a suicidal individual,to be unconscious means to be in a state of tranquil quiet,a nothingness,an oblivion that is total and complete.Problems are not merely taken care of,there are no problems.There is no consciousness or the possibility of problems or anything else.The goal is cessation of consciousness. Your in the state of just being tired of feeling anything,you don't have the energy or the desire to feel or experience anything anymore.I think Jason did have those moments after death. A moment of surrender of life, a moment of feeling of relief of not having to feel anything,but it would soon pass back into the reality of what had happened.I don't think we can escape ourselves,whether we are here or there.We can escape for short periods but can't escape with what is. It's not about sin or judgment from God,it's just about life and living.We have to forgive ourselves before healing can take place.Most people judge themselves harsher than any God.You can tell that from the Bible. During the time of the Bible writings the people of that time needed God to be be stern and harsh.Everything was about sin and being killed for various acts against God.As time has passed people have needed God to be less harsh and more about love. You have to look at what has changed, God or people views over what is. One of the overall concept of any religion is the belief that there is life after physical death.What gets you there and what that entails is for God to decide in most faith based religions.Life is portrayed as waiting for judgment. The point where an individual regains consciousness isn't quite clear,just after some point of judgment. On the other spectrum there can be the belief just having one life and everything is ended.
If Jason still had consciousness or life he would know what had happened.He would be able to describe what he had been feeling and thinking at the time and currently.Consciousness wouldn't of been ceased to exist.He might even be more conscious than before,because he could be able to see the effects of his actions.He would be able to sense the grief he had caused by his actions. This of course would be based on the concept that memory still exists.If there was just a clean slate where nothing from the "past" existed for you and you lived in heaven or hell as described in the Bible. But in that case you wouldn't know or remember why you were in "heaven" or "Hell".Life would be just a series of unconnected moments.Would Jason feel a connection to his past?Would he feel a connection to the people he had in his life or would that be muted in a state of slumber sleep for a later time of resurrection and judging. Think of those individuals waiting thousands of years or more to be resurrected.What would there life be like with the different time periods?This is a story about Jason having life,in a different form of the physical perhaps. We don't think of God just in physical form,so couldn't part of who we are be beyond physical form.Beliefs are just that,they are what you think could be or what reality is for you. Death is related to religion and God,there are many different religions and beliefs but they all seem to fit the individual and where they are and who they are. Basically on some level they have the same ideas and hopes,just at different levels or angles.That concept that there is something bigger than the individual ego that guides life. The concept that there is a journey of the soul. The soul part of us that survives physically death,and is able to transcend into more learning and growing.That souls are at different stages of growth and perspectives of what life is and what life is about.
The common action of suicide is to escape.Sometimes you can't aways escape your pain,you have to work through it,to look at it,to try to understand it, to go through it,instead of around it.That was what life was about for Jason after his physical death.He had to work on understanding himself and heal,just like we do,the living.What would be the purpose of it all if it wasn't that way? Anguish itself doesn't cause suicide,but the concept of lethality does.The idea that you can stop the pain if you kill yourself and stop the ongoing activities of life.The moment that the possibility of stopping consciousness occurs to the anguished mind as the answer or the way out,then the igniting spark has been added and the active suicidal scenario has begun.
The common purpose of suicide is to seek a solution. Suicide is not a random act. It is a way out of a bind,a difficulty,a crisis, an unbearable situation.For Jason,it would be to cease consciousness,to not have to deal with a sense of failure or not succeeding in life or not getting the things he had wanted in life. Not to have to worry about his future or feelings of anger and frustration.He had felt there wouldn't be anything that would of made things better. Everything ends in death anyway,so why go on and try.Life is a dead end.It did erase opportunities and choices. With depression and suicidal tendencies a person may feel there are no choices or options available.Their thoughts are constricted to the narrow choice of death as their only opportunity.
He was able to remove himself from his set of circumstances.He wasn't able to change what had happened.It was a permanent solution to temporary problems. He had a different set of problems and dilemmas to conquer and now he knew he couldn't just erase them with a single action. Imagine what it would be like to awake,still conscious,after making such a drastic move and realize it didn't solve anything but create more painful feelings for yourself and others.He recognized he would have to work through those feelings and emotions that had drove him to the choice of suicide.Jason wouldn't be given instant wisdom,but had to go through the process of understanding why it happened,seeing the results of his actions. What other process would there be? Would you just magically be happy and wise?It's not a place of judgment or punishment or a place of being stuck.Is it a place of life or void.
Hindsight with Suicide
One of my first personal experiences of suicide I have is with a kid in my small hometown that I grew up with named Rick.I knew him from first grade to the high school years,which is when he passed from suicide.I still remember those early days of knowing him in early grade school.Remembering those feelings on how I had felt when I was around him.Most of the times I may not really remember people's names from the past,but I can remember how they made me feel,whether that brings about positive or negative feelings.I still remember Rick and some of those moments of knowing him.He seemed to be a kid that didn't quite fit in or that is what seemed to me.As a young kid in the early grades I just remember feeling a little uneasy being around him.He seemed to have a little chip on his shoulder,pushing others away,trying to show an image of being tough or being angry with the world in some way.He demonstrated to me an attitude of I don't care but probably cared more than he would show.He would eventually just give up trying to fit in,which he did by leaving the world.Rick was a coach's kid and because of that I think he had wanted to do better in sports or at least was expected or hoped for.His Dad was the coach on the team where Rick and myself played on the team.He was a kid who didn't have a lot of athletic ability and was overall small in stature.He didn't get to play a lot during the games,even with his Dad being the coach.I'm not really sure how that affected him,but I remember him trying out for another team and not making the team,which ended his baseball career. I'm not really sure if he had wanted to try out for the team or it was expected of him.He did seem to be always in some kind of fighting mood trying to proof something he couldn't. I still remember lining up against him playing football in P.E. class.He was gritting his teeth,saying how he was going to knock me down. I just kind of ignored it and him and avoided him altogether.That is probably what I remember most of him,trying to avoid him or not pay attention to him.
The last time I seen him was when he came over to my house on a warm,sunny day during the summer that year. It was the first and only time he had came over and knocked on the door.I was caught a little off guard,seeing him standing in the house wanting something or something to do.I think he came over to see if we were playing baseball that day or maybe he just felt a need to connect to someone that day,I would never know for sure. I don't really remember what he wanted but I remember him not staying long. He had a whole different energy to him,he wasn't that kid who was angry or a chip on his shoulder,he somehow seemed unsure of himself and was nice.. It kind of caught me by surprise and at the time I didn't know what to think of it,because it was so brief and different from what I was used to but I didn't think much of it at the time.
The other strong image of him toward the end of his life was at the beginning of a school day. We were at the lockers getting ready for classes,kids were coming and going in the hallways and lockers as in any other day. I remember looking over and seeing Rick in the middle of two kids teasing him and him feeling flustered. They had his cowboy hat and were playing keep away with it and laughing about the fun they were having. He was trying to get it back and they were somewhat making fun of him and the situation.He had that drop of energy of why is this happening to me, I don't want to have to deal with this anymore.I at that point remembering thinking to myself of the possibility he might try to end his life,it was only a split second of my thinking it but remembering having the thought cross my thoughts. He just had the energy of being tired and feeling like things wouldn't change for himself.After that point he had started a don't care attitude and was just more reckless about things in some way. With hindsight.looking back things seem a little more clearer,at the time they were somehow there but not totally conscious to do something.Looking back at it,I don't know if I could of did anything but I didn't really try. It seemed to happen so fast toward the end,you never really expect it but you can see the signs more clearly looking back at it.That is one of difficult aspects with suicide, there are usually signs and actions there and you are left with the what ifs. If I or someone would of done this or that differently or even if I or someone would of did just a little more.After his suicide I sat in the high school lounge listening to the kids who that day had been teasing him and talking about how stupid it was that he had killed himself and still making fun of him for doing such a thing,trying to figure out why he did it,stating they hadn't dislike him.Part of me was angry toward the other kids because they weren't able to see how he had been feeling and part of me was sad,because I on some level had knew how he had been feeling and didn't do anything about it,just observing it play out. But even through I did on some level understand him and what he might of been feeling,I didn't really expect he would of killed himself,but it wasn't a surprise when I heard it,the first time.I didn't really think much of his suicide until after Jason had died,because they both had passed about the same age.I had to think about why I had felt disconnected to the situation or didn't try to reach out to Rick,knowing he had that energy of just being tired and not wanting to deal with things and his destiny in the physical.Part of it was just his personality,I didn't ever really feel comfortable or connected to him,he seemed to be in his own battle with himself even as a grade school kid when I first had met him. The other issue was just not wanting to be teased like he was,because of my own issues of going through it all earlier in the middle school years.Going through and making it through those teenage years does help me give insight on just how hard it can be,kids can be cruel and thoughtless and your just trying to become who you are.I had been one of the those teenagers who had hit puberty before the other males in my grade. There were many physical changes and I hadn't been prepared for.I developed acne on my face,my hygiene appeared to change I developed more body odor than before because of the changes.One day as adult with my daughter watching me getting ready for the day,she asked me why was putting Noxzema on my face.It came from those days of having acne and feeling ugly and out of place.Having those experiences at the time made me feel isolated and alone.Twenty five years later going by that school and area of those days,it brought me back to some of those emotions. Feeling the ghost of that young 12 year old boy walking around the ground area during recesses just trying to find a place to hind in a large group of scattered kids.The school long ago had shut down,new houses were built on the playground we used to play on,but the spirit of those days was still there inside of me.
During those two years of going through the teasing and humiliation,I did learn some good things about myself.I kept most of it all inside me although and didn't tell anyone,but it comes out anyway. The anger,the lack of confidence,feeling worthless had to go somewhere and be dealt with. At the beginning it had started coming out on my younger brother,who was a year younger than myself. It didn't take much for him to make me angry and I would take it out on him by hitting him.Well that couldn't last long because my parents were there and I had to deal with the consequences of hitting him .Plus I knew I wasn't really angry at my brother.He was just the one there who I could express those feelings of wanting of lease out on something. That's when I found running. I found running helped me get out of that tension and frustrations of the day. I continued that feeling of just wanting to hide in the shadows.I ran near our house behind a wooden area,going back and forth about 40 yards,because that was the length of the woods that could hide me. Eventually I started to run around the yard area around the house. It took me awhile before I actually got out in the street and roads because that feeling of not wanting to be noticed so I could be left alone.Running probably was one of most powerful thing that helped me make it through those times.I could release tensions and frustrations and had some peace while I was doing it. It increased some my self confidence because at least in my small school I was one of the better runners and got some accomplishments from it.I never did quite as well as I could of doing those track and cross country events because those feelings of feeling worthless from those past experiences. Running in competition,it felt like at times I was wearing a fifty pound monkey on my back. I was trying to prove my worth, and looked at it how I did as how worthy I was. There were times when I just ran by myself or when I didn't feel like I had to prove anything, it became like I was floating and could of run forever.By the time I had gotten to high school,the teasing had stopped. The way those kids,who had teased me for their own pleasure made me realize I never wanted to be like that.It had given a sense of what it was to feel like,as I was watching Rick being teased for the way he looked and who he was.I didn't tease Rick but I also didn't stand up for him,I suppose because I wasn't strong enough at the time.As an adult you can put it in the context of kids just being kids.Kids are cruel to each other,some kids really can't put themselves in perspective of how they make others feel especially at young ages. I suppose they too are just trying to fit in also.Time and events move on,we all probably have some memories of childhood that are ugly or are perceived by us during the childhood years.Suicide wasn't a choice for me,I somehow had the energy to deal with wanting to live,but I do remember that energy of Rick of not having the energy of dealing with it anymore or the resources to deal with it.
Working in the mental health system
I've realized over time,I don't always connect things together in a conscious way at times.It does seem helpful to write down my thoughts,experiences and perceptions of events of life to see where they head. I first wanted to start writing about my experiences to somehow get others to believe there was something real after death,and what ever part that remains after death,part of it has a connection to the humaneness that is inside all of us that is intertwined with the spiritual ,. I wasn't able to convey that connection I had wanted to portray,so it went into just writing and it became more of a healing process I've done for myself..
I didn't revisit the concept of suicide until later doing a job in the mental health field working with mentally ill individuals in a care facility and later in the community. From time to time you do encounter attempts and completions of suicide. Attempts are more common than completions,which probably is good at least.One individual I knew made the attempt by cutting his throat. He cut his throat area then came out to the aide station bleeding. He would be okay beside the stitches and scars from the cutting. I remember after getting medical care he seemed somewhat embarrassed by having the scars to remind him of that day.There have been other individuals that I've have known who had completed the suicide,but hadn't seen them for awhile before hearing about it.It is gives you a sad feeling that someone feels a need to end a life in that way. One person had hanged themselves in their apt., and the other I'm not sure how they had passed,but hearing it was suicide.You don't really know what to think or do after hearing someone die unexpectedly like that, just that sense of loss of life ending in pain
April fools day is one of those days that stand out for myself,not just for the yearly tradition of it being April fools but it being intertwined with hearing of the death and suicide of an individual I had been working with.One of the difficult decisions with working or knowing an individual who is depressed is when to hospitalize a person or just when to seek professional help.When it is voluntary it is easier,but if it is not ,where the person has to be committed whether to a hospital,some kind of facility or just a doctor it can be more of a difficult situation.The court has to be involved and the rights of the individual are involved.Sometimes people are sent to the hospital not because it will be helpful,but the belief it will be safer.We tend to think the problem is solved by getting the person in the hospital,but psychiatric hospitals have a suicide rate more than five times greater than in the community.While hospitalization may be the only answer to a severe suicidal crisis,it can be expensive,frequently crippling and stultifying. Very often hospitals devote their efforts to monitor the patients,preventing and controlling to keep the person safe but not therapy. They are not usually kept very long for effective treatment and follow up is not usually there.But sometimes it can give a person a break,and that's all they need. True suicidal prevention might address the problem before people reach the point of crisis,before they call the hotline or appear in the emergency room.
You can have foresight with suicide,where you do see the signs and behaviors that lead to attempts or a completed suicide.Individuals who have suicidal tendencies a lot of times it is up and down.When things are going well,you think things will be okay and possibly over with the tendency.But as bad times or events come up and they usually will,you might see the signs and behaviors creep up again.You don't want to overreact,but you have the concept of hindsight in the back of your mind. With suicide you can usually always look back at the history and previous events to see how it all led up to the final event. It just becomes more apparent and your left sometimes,with thinking of what could of been done differently.You do what you can to help and support,but it doesn't guarantee the person will or will not act on those past suicidal tendencies,especially if there is a substantial history of suicidal tendencies.Hindsight is what you have with suicide.The clues are usually there,the past history is there in some way. That's the difficult part sometimes afterward. Not all people who emit clues commit suicide,but most people who commit suicide have the signs consistent with suicide. Human nature and instincts are set up to protect itself,so when that doesn't happen it can come as an unexpected shock.Nobody can control or be with someone all of the time,if they want to do something they will eventually do it. Even if you know the signs and know how to intervene,it doesn't guarantee suicide won't occur,but it can help.Even through knowledge and awareness can help,sometimes the clues that are there don't quite register when they are happening or your not sure what to think of them,or not thinking there bad enough to want a person to kill themselves.It can be very stressful for family and friends to be involved with a consistent suicidal individual,because you have the reality of knowing it could happen at some point,but not knowing for sure or when, will it be the next time. I've read statements of people stating there was some relief when it did happen,because at least now the worry was over.
Overtime working with individuals who have a mental illness,I've encountered at different times those who've become suicidal.Mental illness can decrease coping skills and just the stigma of it can lower self-esteem. Mental illness is chemical or genetic in nature,it's not always about how hard the person is trying or not perceived as trying.Stress does have an impact on the illness,just like any illness physical in nature.A lot of times the therapy is meds and interventions of counseling and supports with developing skills to better cope with stress.
One of my first direct encounters working on the job with a completed suicide was hearing that phone message on the answering machine that April Fool's day. I looked at my caller ID and I knew it was a call from work,so my first inclination was just to let it ring and take the message and call back if I needed to.It wasn't time for me to go to work yet,so I didn't really want to answer it.In someways I guess I was glad I didn't take it,it gave me sometime to react or get away by myself before having to deal with the reality of it all.Hearing that message that John had killed himself made me replay those events of knowing Fred and those last moments with him. The events of knowing him had come to ending that day.
It all had started out before I really ever had talked to him.One summer, when I was a kid I went on vacation with my parents to Florida where his parents lived. His father was a friend of my Dad's.We went down there to see them and the sites and sounds of Florida. I just briefly remember him,we had spent the time mostly with his Dad,with his Dad taking us out for a meal and taking us see the sites. I remember feeling grateful to him for spending time with us,I just remember John as a young kid out playing with not a worry to his mind.Years later I would meet him again when he moved into the place where I was providing support services.He was now a young man,no longer that boy who I had briefly ran into on that family vacation. He had previously played in a band,having long hair and that image of a guitar in his hands. He got a job at a tire place shortly after moving into the apartment site. It was a large apartment building,not the best of shape because of the age and condition,but it was a place to live. A few years later it got torn down and replaced. For me it was a little strange him being there,he didn't know me until I told him about that time my family came to visit in Florida.I don't really know how much he had remembered of those times,but it was a small connection I had with him in some way. Getting to know someone in a mental health setting is different than just a casual day to day setting and environment.You not only have to get to know them you have to know why they are there,issues they have and private issues in what seems such a short amount of time.Your asking questions you would not normally ask a complete stranger,that takes time to build that trust and understanding of each other.Sometimes I think there is that feeling of boundary of they on that side,trying to deal with their problems,those needing support and us,the mental health provider with the answers and authority.That connection seems more prevalent in facilities rather than in the community programs, although over all on some level it occurs.We all have our own issues and struggles, but the focus is on them and their issues and struggles,which is where in most cases is where the focus needs to be.With John I felt a little of both in a strange sense,he just wasn't on just one side,us and them. I had that brief connection of him and his family and knowing him as myself as a paid support.I always feel a little awkward in first getting to know someone,and that was the same with John.I was just starting to get to know him, and then there was the end..The weekend before he had killed himself there was a group activity of a camp out.He had attended the campout and had spent the weekend with us,he had seemed okay but somewhat quiet. Soon after arriving home from the camp he had called me on the emergency pager with the feelings of feeling suicidal. I remember feeling tired from the campout ,but soon went over to his apartment to talk to him about what he had been feeling. At the time I was concerned with the way he was feeling but wasn't sure what to do about it. He didn't want to go back to a mental health institute or hospital of where he had came,so I called my supervisor to get some advice, and he suggested having him sign a contract stating he wouldn't harm himself,in which he did.I continued talking to him and wanted him to call me if he was still feeling suicidal ,which later that night he did call me to let me know how he was doing.I made the judgment he would be okay.At the time I didn't want to make the situation worse by having him committed or making him go somewhere he didn't want to go. Looking back now I know that was a mistake.Later that night he called me back,he didn't call to say he was feeling suicidal but was okay.It did me feel a little better knowing he was doing okay,but as I learned the next day he hadn't been doing better,at least not after the call to me.Thinking about those last days and moments of knowing him I tried to piece it together the best I could of why he had done it.Part of it was him just not telling me everything he had been feeling.Probably at times he wasn't definite he was going to do it,but finally made the decision after being by himself and feelings things wouldn't change for himself or just maybe thinking what ever was on the other side would be better or nonexistent.He at first did tell he had feeling suicidal,so he was reaching out and wanting to live and connect.Suicide is an attempt to end it all and an attempt to want to communicate or live also. During the brief time I had known him and thinking back at those times I can only guess at some of the factors. He by the time I had met him had developed issues of feeling like he had messed up his life and felt he had been a disappointment to his family.At times he just wanted to drive by or be around his parents. He felt a need to prove to his family that he wouldn't mess up,talking mostly about alcohol and drug abuse as I remember.He had been trying to find a way to feel approval from them in some way,whether they knew that or if that was the way they perceived the situation .I don't know.I never did talk to his parents about the suicide or knowing him.I seen them at the visitation and a few times briefly since the funeral but haven't had any contact with them.I'm not really sure what I would say,I mostly had some guilt feelings of not being able to stop it ,not putting him in the hospital the day before he died. He said he once asked if they had knew me and they stated they didn't.They didn't connect me to my Dad at that time.Going to the visitation and seeing him laying the coffin,I just wanted to avoid the family.I don't know how they would of reacted,would they be angry for me letting him stay in his apartment. I know I heard his Dad was upset with the store letting him purchase a gun that day,but didn't hear anymore about anything after that. That last phone call the night before he had died was him talking about how everything seemed to going okay with them,they were in a good mood when he had called.Looking back he seemed to take it more as they didn't care. He was feeling bad,and wanted something from them but didn't or wasn't able to get it,or he had felt that way.I just seen a little of what his issues were,how much they affected the end I don't know,or even what I perceived is correct,but those were perceptions and thoughts at the time.
After John had died it was hard having to go back to work and being around the apartment site. The other individuals who lived there,were already susceptible to depression,some responding with some anger,with the sense of loss and reasons for more despair in their lives at that time.One of the individuals who was living there,was gone visiting family when Fred had died. They had came back a few days after, and I was working the night they were coming back.The person had a brother commit suicide when they were younger, and she had a history of attempts in her life.I had the responsibility to let her know what had happened and to make sure she would be okay and safe.She had a pretty hard time with it,eventually becoming near a catatonic stage of not being able to be responsive.She wasn't left alone that night. It was a draining period of time for a while. She seemed to recover briefly after that night, and things seemed to be going okay or at least that what it seemed.
One night later she was making vague good-bye statements,being in a good happy mood.At the time she was saying those statements I didn't quite catch on to what she was meaning or talking about for sure,but it caught my attention,or at least causing some confusion. In hindsight I don't know why I didn't be more direct with her about what she was talking about or wanting to do.I suppose I just left it alone to not create tension or not wanting to create a situation when there wasn't one.She wasn't depressed or appearing suicidal,so I just left it alone at the time. The next day she had appeared to have taken off. I was the first one to notice she wasn't there the next day, remembering those comments of yesterday.I contacted my supervisor immediately and we searched her apartment for any clue that might show up. I soon had found a letter she had written and left for us.She in the letter gave some indication she might try to kill herself,but it was vague and she didn't know if she would or not.In the meantime,trying to find where she had gone, and whether she would kill herself,I was reliving those last moments of contact with her,however brief,and what I should of or shouldn't of done.Wondering whether she would safe and be back.I think that's the hard part about suicide,you can't control someone or be responsible for someones actions but usually when someone dies from suicide there are signs and images in your head that you can see that point to that decision of suicide.Part of me was angry with her for putting myself and others through this again and another part was dealing with the guilty feelings of not doing enough to stop it before it went as far as it had.She communicated some of her intentions but not clearly,but clear enough to see the pattern. That's part of the clues,they do catch your attention,but you don't always know the best way to act on them or whether just not to act on them at all.
She ended up not harming herself and was found that she was safe.She had a friend pick her up and she went to another city,but didn't tell anyone of her intentions beside she might hurt herself.She ended up moving from the apartment complex.For awhile I was over cautious,not wanting something bad to happen again.
Things settled down for awhile,a year or so then another incident happened out of the blue. It was at the same apartment site with an individual who had known John. Probably part of it was easier for him to attempt because of the past incident with Fred.Suicide is usually in some way an attempt to communicate something they can't fully convey,a cry for help,or just a cry of wanting things to end instead of feeling and going through their pain,just not having the energy to deal with it anymore. With the past incident in the person's mind,it somehow seems more acceptable or a pattern to follow on some level.
The incident started out just like any day. I had taken the individual to the store to get some items and had dropped him off. There wasn't really anything different from past days. He like John was always dealing with some frustrations of not having his life being like he had envisioned before being diagnosed with an mental illness. His plans were interrupted with needing to be put in a hospital,that he didn't need or want to be in. He was always struggling with not being able to have or keep a job. Feeling the disappointment from his parents of who he was. Having the past history of drug abuse and irresponsible behavior labeled to him,either by himself or others.Even through it had been twenty-five years since that first hospitalization he seemed to relive that day in his mind almost everyday,working through the grief of what could of been,or fighting with the concept he didn't have a mental illness. The day I took him to the store,he was probably more quiet than usual,but still had the underlining tension and frustration of his life,lined with anger and disappointment.That time he didn't discuss those feelings of his past when he was with me,he just seemed angry and got out of the van and went up to his apartment.A few minutes later after dropping him off,he took a bunch of pills and got scared and quickly found someone to tell,and was immediately taken to the hospital. I met them at the hospital and seen him go into a semi-conscious state and then he went to a complete unconscious state when we were trying to talk to him to keep him awake.It was kind of a helpless feeling of seeing someone go unresponsive and not being able to do anything.The overdose was taking an affect, and they started pumping this stomach, and he got the needed medical help he needed.He spent a few days in the hospital and came back to his apartment. He didn't want to die that day,just wanting to communicate his pain and grief of his life,with that split moment of thinking it would just be easier to end it all.It didn't end that way and he still struggles with the grief of his life,but deals with it the best he can.Having good and bad days with overtime being able to accept who he is and being okay where he is with his life and being able to grow and regain that joy for life at times.
My brother Jason also had contact with other people the day he died.He had wanted to take the day off from school and wanted someone to take the day off. He didn't communicate to anyone how he was feeling,and he wasn't able to find someone to take the day off with him,so he became feeling more alienated and alone. He on some level wanted to be connected to others,but when he felt he wasn't able to communicate his feelings or have an outlet, he at that particular moment just wanted to end those intense feelings he was having .I think a suicidal person wants someone to know how they are feeling,but when they don't they feel more alienated and alone in their struggles.Sometimes individuals will do it near or in front of others,such as drug overdoses,wanting them to pay attention or wanting others to know of their pain,or a form of revenge to get back to cause them pain in some form. Sometimes it's just a quick snap reaction of anger,disappointment,hopelessness that can and does pass if they are able to find other ways of dealing with it.It can also be dealing with prolonged depression and frustrations of events of their life's,that go unresolved. You just don't know when there will be that increased spike that will push the edge enough to make an attempt,but it can always be there in a person that hasn't developed healthy coping skills or preventive measures.
Another individual that I just had just started to get to know,came into the office of where I was working one evening.The individual hadn't been there long before he made an attempt.He came into the office,wanting something.I don't even remember what for,but not anything to deal with wanting to kill himself,but something I didn't have or couldn't do for him . Soon after that he took a bunch of pills surrounded by others in their apt.Don't really know if the events were related or not,beside the short time sequence in between. An ambulance was called and he would be okay,but that wasn't known at the time.His attempts appeared more out of immaturity or impulse,but I never really got to know him that well. Years later I met his Mom and she talked briefly about him,dealing with the frustrations of him being in a hospital or institution and not being able to be home.That is the cycle for some people,going in and out of places,not being able to develop healthy coping mechanisms or stable stability.Suicide awareness and prevention involves knowing and understanding the effects of suicide and attempts on others and the self,building awareness of yourself and what you are experiencing and how to deal with those feelings in a healthy way.Learning skills not just to survive but to enrich someones life.A lot of times there just isn't a lot of discussion or awareness of why someone makes an attempt,healing doesn't take place,just the stigma and more depression from the attempts.
Another part of suicide at times is the attempt of wanting to punish or revenge factor that the individual is feeling. I had started working with an individual in their apartment,when another person,who was a past friend of theirs needed a place to stay and was staying at the apartment for the time being. They previously had support services and wanted to try to regain supports,but at the time wasn't able to get,because of some past negative history and legal issues. The person couldn't live at the apt. site and would eventually have to move. One night I came to work with the person who was living there,and the other person who was wanting services,was expressing some frustrations and angry feelings toward others,stating how you guys will be sorry as I walked out of the apartment. The comment caught my attention and made me feel uncomfortable,because it had been somewhat tense with her being there, I was in the middle of something I didn't really have any control of and not really being able to do anything about it.I was just mainly wanting to get out of the apartment and finish the services. The next time I came back to the apartment it was early evening the next day. A couple of individuals wanted me to check on her.She was laying on the couch in her nightgown on,she had a pale color to her,and was breathing irregularly and deeply.She had saliva coming out of her mouth,drooling. I immediately called 911 for an ambulance,talking to them as they were coming. It didn't take long for them to come,but it seemed to be long time as I was waiting and talking to the 911 operator.I got someone to help me turn her to the side,so she wouldn't choke on her saliva. Her night gown was slipping off and she was naked underneath,just what appeared at the time a person close to end of a life.I quickly got her her robe on her and waited for the ambulance.They soon got there and took her to the hospital.At the time the hospital wasn't sure if it was a suicidal attempt or some physical problem. At the hospital they made everyone put a mask over their face who was near her.I remembered those remarks of you guys will be sorry as I left,at time I didn't really think of suicide,but it became clearer after seeing her laying there. I had to make out a report for police,but my mind was scattered and rattled, I couldn't remember my current phone number but for some reason I could remember a former number and just put that down.She ended up being transferring to a larger hospital and after a while she fully recovered and was grateful she didn't die. She did it around people in part I suppose because she didn't really want to die. She appeared to do it in part because of anger or revenge intertwined with despair."Unsuccessful attempts" at least reliefs some of the agony of the event. You don't have to deal with grief of death,but it sets up alarms that something is not wrong or needs attended to in some way.The person or others may be ashamed of the event.Sometimes the cycle is over and other times the cycle is started or continued again when situations arise in their life's,whether it is a month or years down the road.The person at times still needs to look at what happened and heal and learn from it. That doesn't always happen although and the same themes and patterns can come up again.
With completed suicides,the end is the end of a physical life ending in sadness.The cycling is over and completed. What stands is dealing with the finality of it all and the legacy of the person not being able to cope with themselves and life.Barb was another one of those individuals that I had started to get to know.She had a mental illness,where she had difficulty wanting to be outside of her house.When I went out with her she seemed to do fine,but she felt it was an issue with her, that she needed that support or encouragement to do it,to get out of the house and do needed tasks. Well she went through a time where she kept canceling and not getting out of her house,stating she was too weak or ill.She was becoming more paranoid and distraught over a relationship she was having at the time.She soon after that was found in her apartment,where she had hung herself.When I heard the news,it did catch me by surprise,but I knew she wasn't doing well at the time.I just wanted to spent time by myself after hearing it,not really want to deal with another person who didn't want to live. I went to a nearby mall by myself,and went shopping for some new clothes and watched others in the mall walking around enjoying themselves,I just wanted to be around people who enjoyed life and didn't want to die. It took a little while before anything was written in the paper,it seemed almost liked it never happened.That's the thing with suicide at times,it never gets discussed and life moves on.There was a nice obituary written by her family and a service for her,in which I didn't go to,just using the excuse I had to work. Part of me felt that I and or the "system" had failed her in some way.No one really is to be blamed or judged for suicide,but I think you should still look at the situation to see if there is anything that can be learned or taken from it,sometimes it feels that isn't the case. She had a mental illness that clouded her thinking and feelings but at the same time she was a very intelligent warm individual trying to cope day to day.
Depression,mental illness,and ADHD
Healthy people don't commit suicide is a statement that I first read about suicide. At first I took some disagreement to it,even through it reads as common sense.At first reading it I had taken it as somehow the statement was saying my brother Jason was somehow defective in some way,not validating the importance of who he was and just labeling him in a category. People are never just there illness or disorder,they may have a disorder or illness but it doesn't define who the person is,but at the same time knowing that a person is dealing with an issue that can contribute to suicide it does help contribute to some understanding and less judgment by others and themselves.But with any disorder or illness it may take time and knowledge of how it is affecting you so you can do something about it. If you don't realize you have something physical going on contributing,you don't know how to deal with what is going on, and why it is happening. When the pain exceeds the coping skills to deal with everyday life,the balance is out of whack and the risk of suicide is greater. With some form of chemical balance going on,thought processes can get distorted,losing sight of what got you to the point of suicidal feelings,because they become so intensified.
I had a friend in college that I had known during my junior year and senior years. During the time I didn't really connect with what was going on with him and he didn't either. A lot of times mental illness will start to show up during the college years. There will be some kind of change and the person deals with something for the first time not really knowing what is happening. For him the change was from always having a over abundance of energy and feeling good to feeling down in the dumps for no apparent reason. He was just down all the time, and he couldn't point out anything that had specific caused him to feel that way. He just couldn't pull himself up and was losing confidence in himself and felt he couldn't ask help from a professional.It was a complete change from the way he had been, and he was draining the people around him with his feelings of depression.I had on and off connection with him,but one day I seen him in the store toward the end of the school year and he said he was feeling so much better and back to his former self and left smiling.I ended up graduating a short time after that and haven't seen him again. After working a few years in the mental health system,I thought how he fit the classic bipolar disorder, I don't know for sure but he had the symptoms and behaviors of it. Looking back I just wondered what happened to him and if he continued to cycle and how he was doing.Part of that was disappointing to me because I was a psychology major in college and at the time a mental illness was something that never occurred me,I was just thinking he was going through a hard time and should be able to pull himself out of it,if he would only look at things in a positive way or do things to pull himself up.That's probably one of the hardest aspects of mental illness,seeing your loved one changed into another person or not being able to do things they used to.Not that the person can't be successful and live a good life.But it helps if they are aware of whats happening and willing to do the things that keep themselves healthy.
My brother Jason was never diagnosed with anything particular, but during the readings he said he had something like Attention deficit disorder which led himself to be more impulsive and difficulty with concentrating and memory which was a contributing factor to the way he had been feeling and acting toward the end.
How you look at life contributes to how you feel about yourself. Depression causes you to look at life as hopeless and not worth living. I had found a student pass of Jason's,in which he had written on the back of it with names of people in different categories,friends,and girls he had liked. There were a list of thirty eight males he considered a friend and twenty seven female friends, and another four he was attracted to.Sometime during the year he had died he had written down those names of friends but at the end his world would become so small he had forgotten or he could no longer feel his friends and family.He was only sixteen but couldn't see a future for himself.That's what depression can do to you and your thinking.It gives you a lack of energy to find an solution and to deal with anything anymore.The Attention deficit with the combination of feeling depressed,isolated,drinking alcohol and not feeling he would have what he wanted in his life contributed to the end.It was just a combination of factors,events of the day and lack of impulse control clouded more by alcohol that contributed the unhealthy mind set he was feeling and thinking.That's the thing with stopping yourself from suicidal actions,being able to endure that wave of acting on those feelings and letting them pass until you can think more rationally and healthy.
My brother didn't really know what was going on within himself or why it was happening. If I remember right he had a doctor appointment the day he had died,I don't know if it would of changed anything or not. I think my Mom felt there was something just not quite right with what was going on with him, and my Dad thought more of he was just going to be okay and it would pass.That's the thing with hindsight with suicide,wondering and looking back at the past that was.With mental illness or any disorder sometimes it takes years before it is correctly diagnosed or even if it is,the person can't accept it or do the things to keep themselves healthy.Areas that seem to be the hardest at times to change is having to take meds,not drinking alcohol,recognizing unhealthy thinking and actions.I went through a brief time of taking a few individuals to AA meetings and just sat and listened to the individuals in the meeting. One of the individuals who shared his story talked about having a mental illness, sharing how he would be in the middle of a street shouting in a paranoid state,with the police talking to him trying to get the situation under control.He during the AA meeting could see how his mental illness affected him and some of the grieve it had caused him during acute episodes.He seemed rational and sincere at the time of the meeting dealing with his illness. He came across sincere, and had some awareness of how his illness affected him and was trying to deal with it in healthy ways,not drinking,attending meetings and openly discussing his issues with others.The other people at the meeting,including myself felt compassion and admiration for him and his attempts for recovery.A few years later he made the local paper,he was back in one of the those paranoid states and had shot one of his neighbors,he didn't kill him,but there was a trial involved and he got the needed help he needed.It kind of made me sad thinking of what others were probably thinking of him and the grief of his illness continuing.I'm not really sure where he ended up but did see him a few years later back with his family.The norm for a person with a mental illness is not to become harmful to others,but it does happen and creates even more of that stigma for a person who has mental illness.Mental illness can flare up like any physical illness, if you don't take of yourself or get the help needed it can cause problems for the individual.It doesn't happen in every case,but more than often a person with mental illness lose their family, their kids,spouses and family members because of the impact,conflicts and issues with mental health issues. They have to deal with the grief of having a mental illness and the grief of losing family members and support.Mental illness at times goes through cycles,there are times where your doing well and times that your are not doing well,just like any one else,but sometimes the cycles are more extreme or unhealthy. Everyone is different in the way they cope,some do well and remain stable,others cycle at different levels,than their are some that can transcend their illness and can inspire others.Mental illness doesn't have to define the person or their life,but you have to become aware of how your thought processes work,and be able to step aside from them and see how they are affecting you and others, and whether they are real or imagined.
LOOkING FOR A MISSING PERSON
I first heard the news of Kate missing as I turned into the parking lot of my office building,meeting the co-worker who was the last one who had seen her.She said she had seen her and tried to talk to her or just say hi,but Kate appeared to just want